Thursday, August 20, 2015

Why I Moved to Florida

I had no idea this would come as quickly as it did. I am about 1,200 miles away from the people I love, and I chose this. Why? Well…

Maybe it was because of the awful weather we were having. Maybe it was the post-musical depression. Maybe it was because of the bad choices I wanted to run away from. Whatever it was, the possibility I was researching months ago was already in motion. I’ve been living it for almost a month, and I still have some mixed feelings about it. Let’s go back to April 1, 2015.

It was mid-way through my Easter break teaching at St. John Vianney, my home parish, my alma mater, the place I got married. We had just finished our musical and it consumed me. My every thought, my every action and my every dream at night was this musical. Why? I wasn’t even getting paid for it. I wasn’t really even feeling supported by the principal or teachers. It was just another after school activity as far as they were concerned. It was my life. My family knew, my boyfriend knew, and I wasn’t going to stop until it was everything I wanted it to be. I wanted to prove my worth. I wanted the kids to love it, too. I wanted everyone to see what I was capable of. And boy, did I show them. I SHOWED THEM!

That was a Thursday night. The next Wednesday I was on Wikipedia researching “Cities in the United States” to see which ones seemed the most appealing to me. WHY? I just showed my entire community what I could do! Yes, it had been something I wanted to do since before the divorce, not to run away but to start over. And being in another relationship scared me a little. Maybe I wanted to put us to the test to see if it was all worth it. After being divorced, the thought of messing up another relationship is terrifying. Going through that again would destroy me. And I caused it!

So with my list of cities I looked up school districts and the diocese websites to see if they had any music teacher openings. That’s when I found St. John Vianney in Orlando, Florida.

When people hear, “Orlando,” many think “Disney.” Yes, I am one of those “many.” So I was excited. I sent my resume and cover letter, and heard back within the hour. From there I just did way too much research, because when I am excited and happy about something, I am constantly looking up ways to make it happen. However, making it happen was not my thing. I would do a lot of research, have one setback, and quit. Maybe I'd take the setback as a sign. And to be honest, I can’t think of any examples other than looking into moving to Georgia about 2 years ago. A terrible time to actually go through with it also. (In fact, I do remember thinking, “I’ll be SO MUCH CLOSER to Disney!” Funny how things happen.)

As time passed, as the pros and cons list kept growing, and the support of my boyfriend was immeasurable, I had to act. My family was against it, but it was my life in my hands and I had to make the most of it. I flew to Orlando to show them what I had.

I was offered the job and signed a contract while I was there. I found an apartment. I made a friend or two. And when I got home, more research! More planning! All the while my family jumped on board, friends were supportive, and I was in a fast-forward. Suddenly there was no time for anything else. The end of the school year was a joke. I just wanted to get out of there. Being at my parents’ house was a great idea to save money and get back on my feet, but I felt too old for that.

From May 15-July 26, moving to Florida was the story. The new job, the pod, driving down, packing…that was all I could talk about. Think about. No one really asked me anything else, I’m sure because they didn’t care about anything else. And when my boyfriend would cry and be upset because I was moving 1,200 miles away from him, I would not really know what to say. “Come with me” ? I knew he couldn’t. But my mind was so obsessed with the move that thinking about anything else was a waste of time. I had to make sure everything was in place, everything was ready. Why wasn’t I sad about leaving him?

As I sit in my new apartment, almost 9PM on a Thursday, alone, I can’t say where I’d rather be. Do I click my heels three times and wish I was in my old room? Watching NetFlix on my tablet? Wearing a sweatshirt because it’s a little cool this late August night? I really don’t wish that. I could wish for my boyfriend to be here, to spend every moment that I can with him because we are so happy when we’re together. That wouldn’t be fruitful. He has a mission to finish there, and I have a mission to start here. We’re where we are supposed to be. And we’re solid.

Something is missing, for sure, but the answer is unclear. I guess my goal is to figure out what that is. I came here for a reason. There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. I just need to trust that my life has given me everything I need to do this on my own.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Rejection sucks.


When anyone is turned down from something they tried to obtain, either by working hard or not so hard, it really sucks (excuse my language, but it really sucks). You begin to question your worth. You ask questions like, What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? What did someone else do better than me? How far is this going to set me back?  And if you tried your hardest, you wonder if you are going to be good enough for anything. Most of your thoughts are negative, and you are down for hours, possibly days or weeks.

Not many people, if not anyone, initially considers the fact that it worked out for the best. (Screw that! You worked hard, you should get rewarded!) Maybe next time you are rejected for the one thing you wanted most (at the time), you should consider that it was not what your life needed at the time. You should consider that maybe it wasn't for you. Maybe you need to work out personal issues before your life can experience the thing you wanted the most.

Considering the positives are not always easy. Trust me, it takes me a while before I can see the positives. But life will work a little better for you once you realize that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen when it's supposed to happen.

Last week I mentioned that I had auditioned for a band, and had the chance to rehearse and sing with them. After the fact, I worried for days that I was not what they wanted, and started beating myself up about it. Finally I thought to myself, whatever happens happens. I don't need everything that I want. Sometimes I find that the very moment you let things go, that you leave your worries and fears at the door, things come to you. It may not be exactly what you want (it could even be something better!), but it's something.

Yesterday, I was hired for the band I auditioned for. I'm in! And I am really excited.

Okay, so the title and first few paragraphs lead on to the fact that I didn't make it, but these past few weeks, I was really struggling with these views, and really thought I would experience rejection. Let's face it though, there will still be many times in my life where I will experience the pain of rejection, many times I have experienced the pain of rejection. Sometimes you just have to let things go, leave your worries and fears at the door. The very thing you least expect will come knocking!

Friday, January 21, 2011

I can live with that!

I'll just cut to the chase...

They want me to do a test run! There is a huge difference between singing in front of 2 people, vs. singing in front of an audience. So they want to see how I'd do in front of an audience with nerves flowing and all.

Call me, text me, or message me on facebook to get the details. I am SO excited about this!

Who actually enjoys "waiting?"


We've all experienced it one way or another. Whether it's for a holiday, vacation, or even a class to be over, we all look forward to something. Sometimes we wait for a change- which is nonspecific, and therefore quite annoying.

While I have been applying for jobs and taking the appropriate steps to searching for a job, nothing has quite come up. There hasn't been that one TEACHING job where I felt I was wanted or even considered.

Then one day I decided to search for bands who could use an experienced singer. That very search session, I came across an opportunity that I just couldn't pass up. So I emailed the contact, received a call the next day, and we talked about an audition. After the audition, I felt pretty good. I felt like I was considered. In fact, I felt wanted.

I know that I have to wait for them to make a decision, but it's getting increasingly difficult with every day I wait. Was I being lead on? Am I a top candidate? Or am I one of the backups that they need?

In this process, though, I have shifted my concentration from a teaching job to a performing job. I haven't been looking in these last two weeks because I have been so focused on practicing for this audition that I may or may not reap the benefits from. Did I just lose these last two weeks of job searching for nothing?

There's nothing I can do now except wait. And of course blog about it.

Thanks for the comments on my first blog (whether on here or in person). Stay tuned for what actually happens. I may make a sad box and a happy box. Where would the two bottles of scotch go?

Monday, January 10, 2011

Just Starting Out


Think about yours for a moment. Think about where you've been, where you are, and where you'd like to be. Not just physical places, but personal experiences. Are you generally pleased with who you have become? If the answer is yes, congratulations! If the answer is no, where have you gone wrong? What could you have done better? Maybe you are unsure of where you are, and if you are pleased with yourself. That may be because you have not experienced your life yet.

I am in a position where I really cannot examine my life, because I don't think it has started yet. Yes, I have been born, I went through the physical development process of early childhood, the discovery of self in elementary school, the ridicule of middle school, and the understanding of self in high school. I have received a Bachelor's degree, and 2 credits away from a Masters degree. Sounds like I have plenty to look back on, enough to analyze. I have gathered enough experience in my 23 years to know who I am and what I would like to accomplish. But I haven't gained the experience I would have hoped for at this time in my life.

Though I can give general life advice, that is not enough for me. I have worries, fears, and expectations for what's to come. That's why I started this blog. I'd like to post my worries and fears, goals and expectations, and have a way to look back and see how much I have changed (hopefully).

If this is my last post, thanks for reading. I must have found what I was looking for.